He is such a cheeky, insolent man, but he does keep me on my toes, entertained, enthralled. Im lucky to have him as a friend and blessed to call him a lover. Long have I expected him to up and leave, to declare it not worth the effort and go..but he does not, and from the day I trailed him through his halls - gave him my breath, my blood, my life - to this..what I feel has only grown. Ahh his ego will be suitably sated for a word or two on how ..entranced..he has me, but sometimes we have to risk the inflation of someones head for a day or two.

I am sat in the cellar, the moments I have shared in this seemingly dank place replay through my mind as I run my fingers over well worn wood. I have missed this place, its memories and life. I spent many a marc with Trip, Emmy, Serg, even Tus and I sat here a time or two. I can hear the words tumbling through my mind.

It needs a good clean, the dusk hangs thick in the air and the smell of stale wine is almost nauseating. Still while I sit, I am wondering, mayhap it is time to extend, to grow. Maybe its time to ask what remains of the guild if they would like a new room. Better to do something wth the points than leave them grow stagnant for want of use.

Me and Shir have been through a fair bit since I met her so long ago. A good few arguements, more than enough cross words, laughs, tears, insults..many things, and though the woman is infuriating beyond compare and dangerously good at creating more problems, I have to give it to her, she always sees straight through to the heart of something and puts her finger on it.

I guess it was my first test of 'compassion' when I came to answer the bird. Half of me wanted to say, what goes around comes around, a quarter wanted to laugh at the sheer...whats the concept I am looking for..irony I think...the sheer irony and a little part of me wanted to stand in righteous indignation and say..well I told ya so and how dare I bear the shame of what others aren't held accountable for. All that in a split second, before I took a breath, smile and with the upmost diplomacy answered. Well I can only hope things are better than they were for me.

Shir will be proud, and most probably call me a damn liar for saying it..but, I did feel a measure of it, my bitterness and hurt has receeded and now, I have only ..well..pity I guess.

As the conversation ensued I lost every last vestige of acidity and just felt that flicker of compassion. People make mistakes, do things without realising the consequences, speak words without knowing the dangers, we are all only human. To err is human to forgive divine. Well, I am definately human, that much is for sure.

So this one is for Shir. As human as I am and as divine in equal measure....don't hurt me...

Night steals the last of the suns aureate rays, willing the shadows to coalece and form into dusk as I sit. Each soft rustle of the breeze among the oaks speaks eons of questions and tears, eons of laughter and hushed words. Though it calms and humbles me to sit amongst them, I bear a small knot of fear..no perhaps not fear, apprehension. Like I am missing some piece of a puzzle, some muttered word, a memory I cannot quite recall, or a glimpse from the corner of my eye that evades me when I turn to look. Its these darn trees, of that I have no doubt. Their tall looming forms bear down above me, the weight of their age settles on my shoulders, tangible, thick. All the answers I have ever wished to posses rest somewhere in the countless rings of a forests boles. It has seen so much pass, how can it not? Yet it is unaccessable, and more annoying for its ever present brush against my conscious.

Each little bird that appears with a note brings a hint of a smile to my lips, in the past week I have missed much, lost much and regained more than I ever could have hoped for. It does not matter what has transpired, and my heart no longer seeks the vindication it once did. It no longer bears the scars of holding on to the bitter regret of not letting itself speak its piece. There is no peace found in the destruction of something else, only ever regret.

I did not think that I would ever find my way here again, that I would ever feel or do anything that wasnt tinged with an acrid taste to coat my words. It seems perhaps I was wrong, as often I am, as often is the case. Compassion comes without forcing now, at least it has today. I can only beg the breeze that it continues, and that my bitterness does not return to me.

Somewhere in all this mess I managed to hold on to the people who mean the most, I miss them each with a vigor I knew not I had. I have lost people, a few that I regret, a few that I am surprised about and a few that it was long time I learnt the nature of their intentions. No matter how much you long for a person to be what you think, you cannot change them at all...that...is ultimately what my heart and soul needs to learn.

Alas, I am babbling again, is there no end to my constant chatter? The moon sits low on the horizon, bathing the edges of the leaves in the subtle glow of light. Dusk has passed well and truly into the maiden hours of night while I have tallied here and gleaned no knowledge from the ever present whisper of the breeze at all. A waste of precious moments? Nay, not while I take time to settle myself, my heart, my breath.

From here I have only future to press upon my mind, where I take the course of my life from here. There is much I would do, much I would rectify and much I should leave well alone.

One thing is certain though, a little laughter is well overdue.

Im a nosey woman by nature, yes I cannot help it, it is what it is. I could state the noble reasons for it, but it would be a lie to stake my nosiness purely at their door. Sometimes its just nice to know you arent the only one who screws up, or cries, or hurts, or laughs, loves..well you get the picture. People hold so much of themselves inside, it is a rare; I will tentatively add "treat" for it is not always he case; treat to see something a little more real.

My book is mostly garble and melodrama, such is the way of things I guess. I am prone to bouts of self pitying idiocy and along with it, bouts of completely incomprehensible mumur, probably much like now. But it is just a result of my observations, something that I have come to be in these past months, an observer. Rarely taking part but only to observe, to watch the ones I love and care for.

I guess it is no secret for those who took a care that I lost faith, I still do not have it. I have always said faith is a fickle matter, and I guess you either hold it or you dont. For me it has always been the slow trickle of water through my hands. For others it is a slow build of light within their core. Each unto his own. But to me it is a slowly passing memory and with each loss from my heart, my fingers part a little more and the water that is my faith pours away ever quickening.

What have I missed? Let us be honest, for honesty is a rarety. I have missed in equal measure loving and being loved by my friends and family. To say that I did not would be a farce. Yes I guess that is selfish, but then I have never professed to be a selfless woman..again, to claim it would be foolish. It was selfish of me to leave them all as I did, and today brought that home to me a little.

Can I really be here? I do not know. In all, does it matter? Again I do not know. Perhaps not as I was, never as I was, but maybe on some level I can.

I am sorry, there, again, the word of my life it would seem. I am sorry for not being here for you, tis a fault entirely of my own. I have no excuses save to say I could not be here.

For all that babble, the word still remains...

Sorry.

Time takes almost everything we hold dear from us...eventually. It is the ever encroaching demon, a little more of our precious moments every tick. It cannot be stopped, will not be slowed nor countered, even though it may be predicted, on it travels and in its path it devours.

There is much that time can take from us, much it corrupts and weakens and how I do loathe its incursion into my life. Alas, no amount of wishing will steal any of it back and lamenting over its loss will not bring comfort.

Aye, almost everything it takes...

I thought to write a verse, but alas there are not words enough, bright nor vibrant enough, deep nor explicative enough to touch anywhere close to the depth of emotion that is deserved. No amount of ink to paper will ever express the smile or the gentle words. All the eloquence, possessed of all the erudite men come to pass will not ever put pen to that which is you. Yet all I have are these few things, the pitiful letters on a page to gift you. Nothing else do I have of worth, that you do not already possess in its entirety. You have my love, and you shall take it as you leave, you have my friendship to a level that will never falter, never wane and only ever blossom as time ticks its passage past us both.

Ahh I am a woman of far too many words, I waste those precious seconds with nought but idle chatter that you no doubt, already know. There is much one could say, but in all..it would never ever come close.

I will miss you sorely my sweet.

Memories with Bryg will last an eternity.

Sometimes life throws you a little poetic justice, and though it may be no comfort at all to your battered pride and your wasted tears, there is a little place inside you that takes a fragile comfort from knowing, you really were right. I think thats kinda my deal for the day, my solace. Well the one saving grace to the dying embers of what has become my life here. Poetic justice.

Just the thought of it gives me a mild distaste to my tongue. I hate feeling that way, but I fought so hard, o long and in the end I guess I did start to question my own integrity, my own actions. Enough so that I settled myself into sleep, and no can no longer find the want for waking. Gah, enough.

Sometimes we are wronged so thoroughly that the essence of it shocks us to our core, to not understand how or why something so essentially and blatantly off kilter could happen. Perhaps it is lifes way of tolling up all our wrongs and throwing them into our path in one stray cast.

Perhaps then the balance is settled, and we may start afresh on our own.."path to destruction" as it were. Ahh, I still have that spark of bitterness no? It saddens me, that I have become this ...this thing. This person that sees poetic justcie where once she would have felt compassion and understanding. So perhaps it is no poetic justice at ll, for in receiving of it, I have in myself changed only for the worse. How does it come to pass that the stray few can change us so indefinately into something we have no wish to be.

Perhaps one day I will find a way, a reason, to rid myself of that last sour spark of feeling that nestles deep within the black part of my core that I hide even from my own conscience. Perhaps on that day, I will fully be awake..again. To know the world and experience it like I used to. Not as the sapped shell of a woman left to mull on the bitterness of her own past.

So I guess now become the search for the redemption from my anger and regret.

I was sat wondering, pondering honestly how much time we have of our lives, time that we can attribute purely to ourselves. It is a very precious few moments that remain entirely ours, a precious few that we rarely take advantage of. So with my few precious moments, what would I do? What would really make me happy, what would be time well spent, to know I had used those seconds to the best I can, so few as they are. Ahh, but there we stumble nay? What would make us truly happy, not the superficial happiness that we often cloud as tangible, but the real kind.

I guess my dilema remains, what in this world would make me happy. What brings a true smile to my lips when I spend my most valuable commodity partaking? The most curoius thing of all, I spent so long in pondering, I frittered my moments away while I thought about what to do.

Irony, no?

Ok, Ok! So I am forgetful and useless, I get that.

And Gar and Shir and all the other people that I forgot to menion when it was really late and I was tired! Meanies...there will be no smiting! Dagnabit.

Whatcha mean goodbye?? I only just got back...Gar Windgust, you and i are gonna need to talk.

Addendum.

I MISS BRYGGY!!!! And love her most of all!